


I Wonder What It's Like (To Be Where You Are)

by atfcx



Series: inspired by La Dispute [1]
Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Grave, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Self-Harm, Songfic, Suicide, Unhappy Ending, so much longer than i anticipated, trigger warnings in notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-12
Updated: 2016-10-12
Packaged: 2018-08-21 23:31:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8264476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atfcx/pseuds/atfcx
Summary: Tyler goes back to Josh's grave every Sunday.





	

**Author's Note:**

> **** please please please do not read if you are easily triggered by self harm or suicide. it's not very graphic, but i don't want to cause anyone any harm ****
> 
> well, look who's not dead and actually wrote/posted something.  
> this was a lot longer than i expected and i like it a lot.
> 
> title is from "Sunday Morning, at a Funeral" by La Dispute (fic is also very loosely based on it), great song by a great band so i'd recommend you listen to it.
> 
>  
> 
> ((( ps: dates are important !!!! the story jumps around a lot but it should be pretty easy to follow. every day is a sunday unless stated otherwise )))

_February 26, 2017. 1 week. ___

Josh Dun's funeral is on a Sunday. Exactly a week after he died.

On that same Sunday morning, Tyler Joseph is incapable of doing anything other than staring at his best friend's gravestone.

_In memory of Joshua William Dun_  
_18 June 1988 – 19 February 2017_  
_Loved by millions, forgotten by none_

The funeral began at 9:30. At 2pm, he's the only person still around; even Josh's family are gone. Somewhere in the back of his mind Tyler thinks that may be a little disrespectful to them, but he is barely able to care. He kind of wishes Jenna was here. She'd know what to do. But she left him alone to grieve with nothing but a comforting hand on his shoulder as she turned away.

They'd told him Josh had died upon impact. Tyler had nodded, refusing to break down in front of them. As soon as the police left, he sank to his knees. 

Mark had made it out of the wreckage with little more damage than a fractured wrist, but with bundles of emotional trauma. Tyler knows Mark blames himself. Tyler finds it hard to not blame Mark, even though he knows that only the drunk man who slammed into them on the highway was at fault. They never did find him. Tyler wishes it had been himself in the car, instead of Josh.

Tyler lowers himself to the ground on legs too shaky to support him any longer. He doesn't know what to do anymore.

 

_March 5, 2017. 2 weeks._

He doesn't think it's fully sank in yet that Josh is really gone.

 

_March 12, 2017. 3 weeks._

He gets hundreds of messages every day from the Clique, asking if he's okay. He's okay. He'll be okay until the shock wears off and he realises that Josh is never coming back.

 

_April 2, 2017. 6 weeks._

Tyler goes back to Josh's grave every Sunday. It's become a habit now. For the last four weeks, someone went with him, but now he's alone and he feels freer. He sits on the ground right in front of the headstone and reaches out and runs his fingers along the words carved into the stone.

“I miss you,” he tells it quietly. “Things are too weird without you. Please come back.”

He can't think of anything else to say.

Mark finds him, hours later, fast asleep.

 

_April 9, 2017. 7 weeks._

He hasn't posted on any social media since the accident. He can barely even find the energy to leave his room. He knows people are worried about him. He can't find it in him to care.

 

_May 7, 2017. 11 weeks._

Tyler still goes to the grave every Sunday. He doesn't really do anything. He just sits. Even when it's pouring and Jenna is begging him to stay out of the rain he continues to visit Josh. This is his only purpose.

Today it is dry, for now, although big black clouds hang low in the sky and threaten to burst at any moment. Jenna is somewhere nearby. Last week, Mark discovered Tyler passed out in a bathtub, knife still held in his hand and blood pouring from his thigh. He'd did it several times before, but this time we wasn't careful enough and he cut too deep. Now Mark and Jenna refuse to let Tyler out of their sight, at least one of them is with him at all times. Tyler loves Jenna, but he wishes she would just leave him alone.

Things are more awkward with Mark. Mark never knows what to say anymore. Mark knows that Tyler blames him.

 

_June 18, 2017. 17 weeks._

Today is – was – Josh's birthday. Tyler brings a picnic to the grave. Mark is hanging out somewhere, giving him privacy, but Tyler is determined to show him that he's okay and he's coping. He sits down in front of the grave.

“Hey, Josh,” he murmurs. His throat is sore already, he barely speaks anymore. Instead he manages to get along on nods and shakes of his head. “Things have been weird without you. You already know that, but it's true. I don't think I'm entirely here anymore. It feels as though one day I'll just float away, never come back, to who-knows-where. Hopefully to wherever you are.” _I know you're in Heaven_ , he adds silently. But if he was to be truthful, he'd say that he isn't quite sure whether he believes anymore. He so desperately wants to.

He pulls out a sandwich, falling into silence as he munches it without really tasting. A long time passes before he speaks again.

“I've started attending therapy, Josh.” His voice is low. “Her name's Melissa, she's young but she's nice and she just gets it. She just understands. And I'm really trying to make an effort to get better.”

It's a small achievement, but one he's extremely proud of. He pulls out his phone, opens up Twitter, which he's only done a handful of times since the accident, and posts for the first time since the accident. It's a photo of him and Josh, with a simple caption of “happy birthday”. It gives him a small sense of satisfaction, and he shuffles over to the headstone, leans his head back against it and closes his eyes.

Mark comes over half an hour later. Tyler is asleep again.

 

_July 16, 2017. 21 weeks._

He continues to attend therapy three times a week. He hasn't stopped hurting himself, but he doesn't tell that to anyone. His therapist tells him he's doing well. He nods. She asks him about the grave a lot. Yesterday, she asked if he'd mind if she went with him. He thinks he'd mind, but he nods anyway. So now Tyler and his therapist are standing in his special place, looking at Josh's gravestone, just like he does every Sunday, but it's not the same. She whispers something, but he doesn't hear it through the pounding in his ears. Not the same not the same not the same.

He's running. Away from the grave, away from Melissa, away from the grave.

He's doubled over just outside the graveyard, emptying the contents of his stomach onto the ground. She's there now, murmuring comforts and apologies and rubbing his back.

After today, neither of them will ever mention this again.

 

_August 6, 2017. 24 weeks._

This time, he's there to ask something.

“Hey, Josh,” He starts. He's alone, has been coming here alone for the past several weeks, bar the one time Melissa joined him. Jenna and Mark can see that he's getting better and allow him more time alone.

“So you know I've been doing well recently.” It's the truth. He's started posting on social media again, started playing his instruments and singing again, isn't hurting himself as much.

“And I met a guy. His name is Erik, and he plays drums. Pretty cool, huh?” He scuffs his toe into the ground, digging up the mud that's been caused by the constant rain falling over the last two days.

“I was just... I was wondering if you'd mind if...”

Tyler trails off, staring at the ground.

“Never mind,” he mumbles, before walking away.

 

_October 8, 2017. 33 weeks._

Tyler does ask Erik to join the band after all.

Over the weeks that follow and even as they grow closer, they create a song. They release it without warning, without even telling their record label. Tyler thinks of Josh as he writes it, and the song turns out like nothing he's ever made before. It's darker, much darker, than his other songs. But also hopeful, in a bizarre way, like a single speck of light in the darkest forest imaginable. As soon as they've recorded it, they head out to the graveyard with Mark and his camera and film a music video, which Tyler thinks is perfect for the song, and release it to YouTube without a caption.

Tyler re-watches it after he posts it, then writes a tweet announcing the return of twenty one pilots with a new band member (“never a replacement,” he whispers as he writes it) and a new single. Then he sends a link to Melissa.

 _So that's the secret project you refused to talk about_ is her reply.

Tyler grins.

They go to the graveyard again to celebrate. Just Tyler, Erik, Mark and Jenna. Tyler sits on the ground and grips Jenna's hand as he watches the music video again, then scrolls down and reads the comments. Most of them are the same, saying how glad they are that twenty one pilots are back and complementing the song and mentioning how much they miss Josh. That makes Tyler sad, of course, but amongst the sad there is some happiness swirling strangely around. He's proud of Josh, he realises after a while. He's proud because no matter how many times Josh was terrified to go on stage, no matter how many times they sat in the dressing rooms before a performance and Josh would tell him his darkest thoughts, he still went and faced his fears head-on and played his heart out, and Tyler knows that without Josh they wouldn't be anywhere near where they are today. Who knows where Tyler would be without Josh.

He shuffles closer to Jenna and rests his head on her shoulder. She responds by rubbing a thumb along the back of his hand. Right now, he's genuinely happy.

 

_November 19, 2017. 39 weeks._

Everything is as it should be. Tyler is writing as often as he can manage, he's frequently active on various social media, Erik is settling in well, the two seem to be in and out of interviews daily, and the interviewers know that they must not speak of Josh.

Everything is as it should be. So why is Tyler so uneasy?

 

_Friday, December 1, 2017. 40 weeks and 5 days._

“What do you tell him?” Jenna whispers into the cold air. Her breath lingers for several seconds before evaporating into the darkness. It is frosty, it'll snow soon.

“A lot,” Tyler answers, voice equally quiet. Today has been draining. Meaningless “happy birthdays” and smiles and presents sent his way constantly. Jenna knew. Only Jenna's smiles actually meant something, her hand squeezes tethering him to reality.

“More than you tell me?”

Tyler doesn't answer.

Jenna squeezes his hand again and buries her head into his neck. Tyler is glad she understands. Tyler is so lucky to have her.

 

_Monday, January 1, 2018. 45 weeks._

“Happy new year, Josh,” Tyler whispers as the first fireworks erupt right above his head. He allows himself a small smile as he leans back on his hands, watching as the sky explodes into a million colours.

 

_January 28, 2018. 49 weeks._

He's spiralling downwards again.

 

_Thursday, February 15, 2018. 51 weeks and 3 days._

It's 4am. He hasn't slept yet.

He shifts slightly to relieve the cramp in his muscles, stiff from not moving for so many hours, and in doing so accidentally wakes Jenna. She sleepily opens one eye, then the other immediately follows. “You okay?”

Tyler nods. “Yeah. I love you.”

She frowns up at him, squinting to make out his face in the gloom. “That's what's keeping you awake?”

Tyler nods again. Her frown deepens. “I love you too.” She closes her eyes again and Tyler draws her closer.

Jenna falls asleep instantly. Tyler does not.

 

_Monday, February 19, 2018. 1 year._

He writes a note. He digs it deep into the mud in front of the gravestone. He knows it will be destroyed by the dirt and rain, but that's okay; it is meant for Josh and Josh alone. He doesn't want anyone else to read it.

 

 _February 25, 2018. 1 year and 6 days_.

Tyler Joseph's funeral is on a Sunday. Almost a week after he died. His grave is placed beside the one named _Joshua William Dun_. He left without leaving a note – at least, not one that anyone could find.

**Author's Note:**

> edit: wow. 200 hits. i don't know what to say other than thank you.


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